Heating Up

There's so much to be said about life isn't there?  One minute you know exactly where you're headed and the next you're just lost.  I'm in both places at once.  If you've looked at my pictures, you'll know that I party like a mad demon when I get in the groove, but what you don't know is that I spend a whole week recovering.  Last weekend was no exception.  I found drink after drink in my hand and by the time I got home, I was so pissed I couldn't even be nice to my best bud when he sent me a text.  Needless to say, he probably knew I was pissed and he was probably pissed as well.  That's why we're mates man!

Other than that, my life is all books, assignments, studying and everything that comes with it.  I need the weekend to unwind.  The nasty pictures that everyone has is more something to get a good laugh out of than anything else.  I'm not really that much of a slut, but I am quite the camera whore.  I still love dancing when I'm drunk and I'm drunk most weekends, but my life is all about me now.  Oh yes, I am the main, the ONLY focus of my life.  Honestly though, I quite like not being in a relationship at the moment. 

Yes, after five years of having someone constantly fill the room in your heart, it does feel empty sometimes, but the heart is a muscle too.  Like a tired body needs rest, so does a tired heart, and mine is exhausted.  I meet some of the most attractive and gorgeous men here, but there's none of the butterflies of flip-flop bellies anymore.  They're nice looking, but it's all there is.  Me emotions are disconnected somehow.  If you make out with a cute guy in a club, it's only because he's cute.  Doesn't matter if he has a brain or anything else because it's just a one time thing. 

Some people don't understand why I'm single and don't want to be in a relationship.  It's fairly simple.  I fall for guys who I think have drive, determination and ambition, but when I get into a relationship with them, I usually learn that it's all talk.  They don't even have the determination to keep me.  It's tiring. They think I'm going to be a good and obedient housewife.  They think I'm going to take all the crap from them and be all good forgiving all the time, but that's only because they don't check the facts of my life before making these conclusions.  It doesn't take much to see what kind of person I am.  Easy question, am I talking to my dad now?  No right?  It doesn't a rocket scientist to know what that means. 

Sometimes, I think I want to fall in love, but the longer I live alone, the more I don't want it.  For 4 years, I devoted my life to a man, and honestly, he didn't appreciate me much until I began to shut down and not care if he lived or died, but by the time he noticed, I was too far gone.  I put him before my career and everything else, but there were times I felt that no matter how much I gave, he wanted more.  Excuse being that he left his family to be with me.  Such a child.  Sometimes, I do wonder if my exes had made up for their mistakes ASAP instead of putting it off for later, would I still be with them?  Maybe, but that's a closed chapter.  As I always say, there's no use trying to revive a corpse.  I hope they've learned as well. 

Call me a selfish bitch.  I know a lot of people did at one time and a lot of people think that I'm cold.  It's true.  I am selfish and I am cold hearted.  Why the engagement broke off?  Why the last relationship didn't last when we seemed perfect for each other?  Everyone has been making their own conclusions and nobody asked me about it, but I probably wouldn't tell anyway.  I'm beyond the point in life when I care about what people's opinions of me are.  Only I know what really happened and I don't regret my choices.  My friends still know me and they know the truth, so that's all that matters.  This time, I hope I do it right.  Focus on my career and my life before thinking of sharing it with anyone else. 

What if I end up never getting into a relationship again?  I don't know, but right at this moment in my life, it's something I simply don't want.  Am I scarred by my past experiences?  Maybe so.  Why my mom never remarried?  Now I understand and I don't put it against her.  All I know is that right now, at the thought of commitments and relationships, my heart just hardens, I shake and I break out into a cold sweat.  The reactions are so violent that I won't even try.  No, this is my time for me, only me and I save my love for friends and family.